Angry Rock

Today it seems i am choosing to be angry. A rock i seem sitting there for you to step on lean on and hold down what weight you may need. But today i am choosing to be angry. If i am that rock i wanna be in the landslide in the Philippines. Lost in the mud and chaos a piece of rubble nothing compared to a tree. I am choosing to be angry. Therefore do not lean on me. I am not your rock i am the rubble smashed by mother natures choosing. How is it you can slip and slide lose your footing but always grasp on to me? Not today because damn it i am angry. Lean on me and the slope you will be mixed with is mud and rubble lost just as me. For today i can not carry your weight i can not be your back bone nor your tree. You must stand and be a man because that is what i need. Damn it i am choosing to be angry. Its your turn and your chance to be a rock for me. At this point my anger is leading me to believe i must always be the rock and as of now i have lost me. Do not coming looking i have been washed into the sea, if you are not strong enough to save me you will drowned looking for that rock you need.

My New Thoughts on a Blessing

In the morning i rise with the same discouragement on my heart as the night and day before. I pray to the Lord to give me the motivations to keep swimming through the dread i live in. I have spent many nights and days asking for a blessing.. a blessing in love, work, money, understanding, guidance etc... Then today there was a blessing of not just understanding; but the understanding of being blessed with such a great friend and guide. My ignorance was turned to bless. I realized before me i had a friend who within him beholds such knowledge and wisdom i could only wish to obtain such qualities. His mind is like sponge full of facts and understanding. His heart is dedicated to the Lord but not with the the lashing tongue of a Evangelist or condemnation on his shoulder for all who may walk talk or live in way which he does not. He is a man whom is a vessel to many people and walks closer to God then most of us will ever reach. His presence alone makes me feel i am a bit closer to the blissful existence of what true faith and spirituality maybe. Maybe the things i ask God to bless me with each day are not revealed in this instance, but still i behold the blessing of a treasured friend. That i will hold on to in the darkness of my times, the reminder that maybe the blessing we ask for are not the blessing we need at that time... Sometimes our blessing is the realization of what has been in front of us for so long but never made its way to our blessing request box. This is dedicated to Brother David my dear friend and a man who has guided me through some of my darkest times. In my heart he will be blessed much in the afterlife for all he has done in this one. Thank you Brother David.

Small Town Girl

Farewell to this small town i call home. The beauty of the dogwood trees in bloom i will miss. Watching soft petals fall like snow flakes, like winter has arrived in a town that has never seen the grounds white before. The soft sand between my toes and the beach houses lining the dunes without being to bold to take from the picture perfect virgin beach; i will trade this for the sounds of trains and buses.My mind can not grasp not hearing the wind blowing the leaves from the trees in fall, i will trade that for the drummming beat of feet on the side walks of a downtown city. After driving the same four roads of a town that is populated by service men that come and go as does the seasons, i am trading the constant moving neighbors and roommates in hopes of watching the little girl next door grow old and clebrate each birthday with same family and friends as the year before. I am letting go of this town to wake each morning and gaze through the window and see the same sweet old man wave as he passes at exactly seven fifteen each morning on the way to work i assume. Every wave brings the comfort of familiarity, one gaurenteed smile and silent friend made.

In the Shadows

In the shadows of my mind the darkness of my mind i feel the anger creeping... The animal i am trying to supress with all my might wants to be set free... Shall i allow my wrath to devour he... Ofcourse so would she...and he and he. Such disgust i feel upon myself in attempt of punishment for my thoughts of death and suffering.... Suffer shall he... with all my might.... Lord i don't know if i can win this battle... This war with the world and trying to be morally right.... I am losing this bet because his head i want to hang on my wall and infliction of pain deplete his own image that i am beneth. Shall i vow now to walk and stand tall... or ravage this man with heart break and not catching him when he falls.... Fall you bastard fall fall fall... i am not flattered with your kindness nor blind with your love... i see your demons surface more each day each year they fill you full of rich dispair....Can i spit in your face and lay my head down at night with out the flight of guilt for being low in my actions... can i lay my head else where and feel no remorse for your torture.... Can i? Should i?Will i?