start of josiah

One moment that sparkles and shines... The creation of ... The existence of something beautiful.

Regrets and mistakes are memories made.. Pride veiled with shame ... disgraced..

This moment confounds me with the reality of... acceptance in a attempt to comprehend...

Fighting the slow feel of guilt for such ignorance... searching for the meaning of it all....

Overwhelmed with a new love... cherishing the idea of... Motherhood.

How to decipher the extreme hate i feel is part of a love so pure.

Pending the moment of realization of Gods big plan... Humbling.. Unsure.

Trying to be inhuman... numb this.. feel that..

Split in two... anger... love.. fear..excitement... pain.. joy.

ending of... them

beginning of...

Josiah

consumed

consumed..consumed by you and him then her and them... consumed by your emotions then mine... living to breath without being consumed with the smoke and consumptions of all else that smoother's me.... choking me with emotion choking me with expectation... can i live.. can i breathe... can i go on without your words and opinion... consumed with being what the world wants... you want... they want.. all want... what of what i want... need... expect... ... ... irrelevant are my feelings irrelevant are my options... live... leave... forget me.. in death except in death realize... i never expected.. never i believe.. never were you close... never forgivness... die... die in life.. die in self...for rebirth. 

IF

If the lake freezes, where will the ducks swim?

If the trees fall where will the birds nest?

If the sun disappears how will the flowers grow?

If...

If all is lost will you find faith?

No sun is needed for when i close my eyes i still see the light.

I need no ears because my mind still hears.

I can feel the warmth with no eyes or ears.

With no sun internally i will find warmth.

If all is lost i will find faith.

Diseased by Man

He is diseased. A sore on your lip.

Infection draining from every orifice.

Driving your temperature to high.

Forcing you body to shut down.

His vial smell leaks from your genitals.

The stench ever lurking.

It brings severe nausea causing vomit to explode from your mouth.

The fluid which drowns your lungs.

Rotting flesh falls from your body.

He is the sickness but now it is you that is looked at with such disgust.

Diseased by man.

Mother and Child

What i would give to have my mother. Death may come upon me and as long as i had her touch one last time i would be content. Why did i wait so many years not loving and just living. Living in darkness but finding the light when she is in my presence. How ignorant can i be for so long.

Now miles away with nothing i wish more than ever for my mother. Everything else is superficial but the love for a mother is the realest thing i have ever felt. The hope she gives me with just her words and prayers.

If i could just lay in her lap and cry because only then will the tears stop. In that moment nothing matters because she is everything. How empty life becomes without her by my side. Where every fear is everlasting because she is not there to tell you there is nothing to fear.

I dream of her face only to wake in tears realizing she is not there. Thinking each day what if i never see her again. Knowing never can i leave this place if she still exist. Knowing if she ever left this place i would no longer exist. Because there is no light in the darkness. There is no peace in my heart with out her words.

Death come to me just let me hug her one more time. Take all from my life and just let her hold my hand. Give me no love in life just give me hers.

Silence the screams

What do you do when your breath is being ripped from your lungs by the pain inflicted in your heart. When you want to yell a million words but a gasp for air is all you are capable of. What are you to do when you want to run after something but your legs give out and all you can do is crawl.

Crawl across the rocks and dirt, degrading yourself by being so weak and pathetic. Suffocated by your own tears that flow so fast they drowned you. A cycle is a cycle.. either to follow or break.. a man is a man but yet so many more things.. A lover, a sinner, a helper, a supporter a worthless waste of flesh. A woman is a woman but yet so many other things in the same. Pathetic, Strong, A mother sister and lover.

Streams echo in my eyes i can not here anything said to me.. I drop to my knees and cover my ears to escape the excruciating pain.. but the screams are not muffled. What to do when your head and heart seemed to explode. When you pray for them to explode in hopes that no longer will there be screams or pain. But never do they let up leaving you with the suffering and no relief.

What are you to do when hopes become helpless pleas. When faith becomes a dream. When happiness is a far memory. The only strength you have left is to open your eyes and dread each moment you are awake. Wishing that for just one night you could dream of goodness instead of your subconsciousness replaying all the horrible things that bring more screams.

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To Those Alone on Valentine's Day

Today is a cheerful day for loved ones in so many ways. Gifts and kisses upon waking. I love yous and cards with glorious saying. How beautiful this day can be. My memories have a couple. But to the man or the women who do not receive that card or kiss, i know how it feels for them. I have realized a day is just a day. Love is there when it chooses to be not when the calender tells us it is. To the people who do not have the positive aspects in their life on this day it is a curse. They wake alone with no one they see flowers being delivered. Their co-workers carrying balloons and opening cards. What a whole in the chest that feels. Even to loved ones who have a spouse whom does not bless them with the showering of love. This day can bring more heart ache than love in so many ways. I use to be a strong believer in these holidays. My mother always got me a stuffed animal and candy. Never did i rise in the morning not have a memoir or gift of some sort from her to show her love. Times change we get older, no longer do i have my mother to leave things on the kitchen table for me in the morning. No longer do i have her kisses to make me feel loved on such a day. A day of love has become a day of expectation which in the end many get let down. Blessed are those who wake in the arms of a loved one. Blessed are those who have been kissed and hugged. Take not for granted those who have such warmth and celebration in their lives. And pray that those with out will one day feel the same. Maybe today is not all of our days to celebrate, but may sometime in our lives on whatever date we feel what others feel today. In my thoughts are those who are lonely. This blog is for the lonely. To all that are alone keep hope in your hearts that a day besides today you will celebrate love in some way at some time. Just as God does not give us blessing right when we ask, eventually they do come when not expected.