IF

If the lake freezes, where will the ducks swim?

If the trees fall where will the birds nest?

If the sun disappears how will the flowers grow?

If...

If all is lost will you find faith?

No sun is needed for when i close my eyes i still see the light.

I need no ears because my mind still hears.

I can feel the warmth with no eyes or ears.

With no sun internally i will find warmth.

If all is lost i will find faith.

Diseased by Man

He is diseased. A sore on your lip.

Infection draining from every orifice.

Driving your temperature to high.

Forcing you body to shut down.

His vial smell leaks from your genitals.

The stench ever lurking.

It brings severe nausea causing vomit to explode from your mouth.

The fluid which drowns your lungs.

Rotting flesh falls from your body.

He is the sickness but now it is you that is looked at with such disgust.

Diseased by man.

Mother and Child

What i would give to have my mother. Death may come upon me and as long as i had her touch one last time i would be content. Why did i wait so many years not loving and just living. Living in darkness but finding the light when she is in my presence. How ignorant can i be for so long.

Now miles away with nothing i wish more than ever for my mother. Everything else is superficial but the love for a mother is the realest thing i have ever felt. The hope she gives me with just her words and prayers.

If i could just lay in her lap and cry because only then will the tears stop. In that moment nothing matters because she is everything. How empty life becomes without her by my side. Where every fear is everlasting because she is not there to tell you there is nothing to fear.

I dream of her face only to wake in tears realizing she is not there. Thinking each day what if i never see her again. Knowing never can i leave this place if she still exist. Knowing if she ever left this place i would no longer exist. Because there is no light in the darkness. There is no peace in my heart with out her words.

Death come to me just let me hug her one more time. Take all from my life and just let her hold my hand. Give me no love in life just give me hers.

Silence the screams

What do you do when your breath is being ripped from your lungs by the pain inflicted in your heart. When you want to yell a million words but a gasp for air is all you are capable of. What are you to do when you want to run after something but your legs give out and all you can do is crawl.

Crawl across the rocks and dirt, degrading yourself by being so weak and pathetic. Suffocated by your own tears that flow so fast they drowned you. A cycle is a cycle.. either to follow or break.. a man is a man but yet so many more things.. A lover, a sinner, a helper, a supporter a worthless waste of flesh. A woman is a woman but yet so many other things in the same. Pathetic, Strong, A mother sister and lover.

Streams echo in my eyes i can not here anything said to me.. I drop to my knees and cover my ears to escape the excruciating pain.. but the screams are not muffled. What to do when your head and heart seemed to explode. When you pray for them to explode in hopes that no longer will there be screams or pain. But never do they let up leaving you with the suffering and no relief.

What are you to do when hopes become helpless pleas. When faith becomes a dream. When happiness is a far memory. The only strength you have left is to open your eyes and dread each moment you are awake. Wishing that for just one night you could dream of goodness instead of your subconsciousness replaying all the horrible things that bring more screams.

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To Those Alone on Valentine's Day

Today is a cheerful day for loved ones in so many ways. Gifts and kisses upon waking. I love yous and cards with glorious saying. How beautiful this day can be. My memories have a couple. But to the man or the women who do not receive that card or kiss, i know how it feels for them. I have realized a day is just a day. Love is there when it chooses to be not when the calender tells us it is. To the people who do not have the positive aspects in their life on this day it is a curse. They wake alone with no one they see flowers being delivered. Their co-workers carrying balloons and opening cards. What a whole in the chest that feels. Even to loved ones who have a spouse whom does not bless them with the showering of love. This day can bring more heart ache than love in so many ways. I use to be a strong believer in these holidays. My mother always got me a stuffed animal and candy. Never did i rise in the morning not have a memoir or gift of some sort from her to show her love. Times change we get older, no longer do i have my mother to leave things on the kitchen table for me in the morning. No longer do i have her kisses to make me feel loved on such a day. A day of love has become a day of expectation which in the end many get let down. Blessed are those who wake in the arms of a loved one. Blessed are those who have been kissed and hugged. Take not for granted those who have such warmth and celebration in their lives. And pray that those with out will one day feel the same. Maybe today is not all of our days to celebrate, but may sometime in our lives on whatever date we feel what others feel today. In my thoughts are those who are lonely. This blog is for the lonely. To all that are alone keep hope in your hearts that a day besides today you will celebrate love in some way at some time. Just as God does not give us blessing right when we ask, eventually they do come when not expected.

EVOLUTION

I was kissed and loved.. warmth upon my cheek and heat from my core.. Chaos and hatred consuming so many nights.. Tears.. Anger... Fear... In love all these things... Not love then... patient.. yes ... kind .. yes... forgiving... yes... Destructive... Abandoning... Deception... Love still then? Day one and two are all pain. Day three, four and five freedom. Six then there is love. Seven confusion. Back to day one. So does day six make the other six worth the equality. Maybe it all equates to an illusion in which you can not undisguise. Running from the same walls to be freed only to be trapped by the same emotions in four more walls. Pondering if its the walls i should have ran from or the illusion. Yes then No.. Right then Wrong. Sail has been ripped but the boat still floating. Lightening struck the tree and it has been shredded but during spring it still blooms on the right side with branches anew. Only to look charred and dead in the fall and winter waiting for spring once again.

EMPTY

As i keep dreaming i wonder am i doing right or wrong. Which is harder following through then failing or turning back to face failure.. Either way it's a failure. Pains that are hindering my heart seems to overwhelm me and adjustment is just another word for deal with what ever shit you are in. I dream big and live small.. I talk large and yell soft.. I am waiting for that miracle you see. Where for once i don't look around and think where am I... Is this where i am to be... to be with... to be moving towards... are any streets different for me if i am only looking down either way.. If i am not looking up then my roads all look the same.. I find my self so envious of everyone i do look upon thinking they are so much greater.. even if my peacock feathers seem bright and beautiful really it is a illusion it seems. Do i press the publish button with the ignorance anyone reads what i think... No i am not that ignorant... maybe just that hopeful..

HELPING HANDS

Normally I Blog with poetry, but today I read a blog from one of my favorite singers Alex Deleon about a lady who has been stricken with a illness killing her heart. I can go into the politics all day regarding the issues she is having getting treatment because she does not have insurance, but I won't all of us without it know the struggle of what it is like to not get proper treatment do to lack of insurance. I am posting his blog site address because my words can not compare to his heart felt story and request for a hand. Please if you can take the time and check out his blog it will be seen in Gods eyes as a gracious person who will be blessed. http://symphonysoldier.com/ My prayers go out to everyone and to this women and her family.
-Angelic

In Gods Image

A man who cries no tears speaks no fears how dare he defile a women of cheer her heart of gold her soul of gold. Do not dare defy his child the child of god. He said in my image she was made and you took her and made her insane. With god left to see what his image to be, was crushed and sunken to the deep sea. He cried oh why must my child be defiled? She was perfect to me.The man with no tears said because I have nothing to fear no God shall make me scared. So God morned his angel his child and showed the man with no fears, he will cry tears of blood that burn and blind. Man who god made bleed tears lived three hundred and forty two years with nothing but bloody tears and fears. Then is when the man with no tears faced god at the golden gate with nothing but fear. Behind him stood his child to bright to see, waiting for god to judge he. God spoke then and said" luckily child you have been remade. Now a snake you shall be. Live two hundred more years eating dirt and hiding from me then maybe you will see through this gate and be with my child me. "

Angry Rock

Today it seems i am choosing to be angry. A rock i seem sitting there for you to step on lean on and hold down what weight you may need. But today i am choosing to be angry. If i am that rock i wanna be in the landslide in the Philippines. Lost in the mud and chaos a piece of rubble nothing compared to a tree. I am choosing to be angry. Therefore do not lean on me. I am not your rock i am the rubble smashed by mother natures choosing. How is it you can slip and slide lose your footing but always grasp on to me? Not today because damn it i am angry. Lean on me and the slope you will be mixed with is mud and rubble lost just as me. For today i can not carry your weight i can not be your back bone nor your tree. You must stand and be a man because that is what i need. Damn it i am choosing to be angry. Its your turn and your chance to be a rock for me. At this point my anger is leading me to believe i must always be the rock and as of now i have lost me. Do not coming looking i have been washed into the sea, if you are not strong enough to save me you will drowned looking for that rock you need.

My New Thoughts on a Blessing

In the morning i rise with the same discouragement on my heart as the night and day before. I pray to the Lord to give me the motivations to keep swimming through the dread i live in. I have spent many nights and days asking for a blessing.. a blessing in love, work, money, understanding, guidance etc... Then today there was a blessing of not just understanding; but the understanding of being blessed with such a great friend and guide. My ignorance was turned to bless. I realized before me i had a friend who within him beholds such knowledge and wisdom i could only wish to obtain such qualities. His mind is like sponge full of facts and understanding. His heart is dedicated to the Lord but not with the the lashing tongue of a Evangelist or condemnation on his shoulder for all who may walk talk or live in way which he does not. He is a man whom is a vessel to many people and walks closer to God then most of us will ever reach. His presence alone makes me feel i am a bit closer to the blissful existence of what true faith and spirituality maybe. Maybe the things i ask God to bless me with each day are not revealed in this instance, but still i behold the blessing of a treasured friend. That i will hold on to in the darkness of my times, the reminder that maybe the blessing we ask for are not the blessing we need at that time... Sometimes our blessing is the realization of what has been in front of us for so long but never made its way to our blessing request box. This is dedicated to Brother David my dear friend and a man who has guided me through some of my darkest times. In my heart he will be blessed much in the afterlife for all he has done in this one. Thank you Brother David.

Small Town Girl

Farewell to this small town i call home. The beauty of the dogwood trees in bloom i will miss. Watching soft petals fall like snow flakes, like winter has arrived in a town that has never seen the grounds white before. The soft sand between my toes and the beach houses lining the dunes without being to bold to take from the picture perfect virgin beach; i will trade this for the sounds of trains and buses.My mind can not grasp not hearing the wind blowing the leaves from the trees in fall, i will trade that for the drummming beat of feet on the side walks of a downtown city. After driving the same four roads of a town that is populated by service men that come and go as does the seasons, i am trading the constant moving neighbors and roommates in hopes of watching the little girl next door grow old and clebrate each birthday with same family and friends as the year before. I am letting go of this town to wake each morning and gaze through the window and see the same sweet old man wave as he passes at exactly seven fifteen each morning on the way to work i assume. Every wave brings the comfort of familiarity, one gaurenteed smile and silent friend made.

In the Shadows

In the shadows of my mind the darkness of my mind i feel the anger creeping... The animal i am trying to supress with all my might wants to be set free... Shall i allow my wrath to devour he... Ofcourse so would she...and he and he. Such disgust i feel upon myself in attempt of punishment for my thoughts of death and suffering.... Suffer shall he... with all my might.... Lord i don't know if i can win this battle... This war with the world and trying to be morally right.... I am losing this bet because his head i want to hang on my wall and infliction of pain deplete his own image that i am beneth. Shall i vow now to walk and stand tall... or ravage this man with heart break and not catching him when he falls.... Fall you bastard fall fall fall... i am not flattered with your kindness nor blind with your love... i see your demons surface more each day each year they fill you full of rich dispair....Can i spit in your face and lay my head down at night with out the flight of guilt for being low in my actions... can i lay my head else where and feel no remorse for your torture.... Can i? Should i?Will i?

I Chose My Battles

I pick and chose my battles. I fight the fights that seem unconquerable in all aspects. My love is hard and true. I have lost ones I love but do not dwell on them because if it was mutual love it never would have been lost. I gain superficial friends with whom they call themselves true at heart. Then I see they are only figments of my imagination shallow in their existence only looking for the next victim to suck into there world of sick loneliness. My strength lies in my aloneness where I am completely intact with who I am and what I stand for. Words are thrown at me with intent to harm. I deflect such attempts by simply staying true to me. No one can tell me who I am. People can only make assumptions which I find entertaining at heart. I don’t let you in because you do not have what it takes to be close to me. When I walk I do not see faces I see eyes and thru eyes I see the heart. I have mistaken many to be one thing and find out they are another. Once again I do not morn the loss of a facade. If you have crossed me I will not engage in a confrontation with those of ill intent. I will act as if you don’t exist because people like you do not deserve the battles I chose to fight.

whore of love

Oh dear women how I wish that I was crazed, so I would have no sense and rip your childish face from your skull and inflict such pain. A women of disease oh dear lord keep me from judging thee… but oh how the anger intensifies, making me wish my insanity could lead me to believe killing her would retrieve what she has taken from me. And him oh him a wolf in the sheep’s skin, the adulterer the liar… the killer of me and my desire… but on you little jezebel I do wish you to burn in hell… such terrible things I breathe but beyond my skin, muscles, bones, and dreams there is only hate I wish to unleash on she… how dare you tread in my waters and think you would not sink… how dare you lie in my bed and make my sheets stink.. Lay your head on my pillow where my tears have fell… how dare you think your forever; oh you poor thing … you child sweet child keep dreaming of having what I behold… thank the lord that my anger does not unfold... you love a man with a heart in which you do not hold.. I have the only power to make him bend and fold… you are a moment and I am a life event… find your own lover and struggles which I have met… day one I met you and your face was a lie, day two I try to find something besides a desperate child inside, day three and I see your nothing to he, day four and you score only to believe, that the game that was being played had everything to do with you, when it was truly of me… you have been used and discarded nothing but a can to be recycled. Move on little child and know karma will bite you… I have the strength of ten men and weak for only one... but I will always overcome... for I am what you are not... real and hard to stop… what you know of love is nothing… your reflection is a child bluffing... you search for any to love you and lie on your back and think it makes you important… all it makes you is a whore a whore of man and I speak of that because I too have been a whore for love.. A dumb women wishing that giving myself would bring one to actually love... you are superficial in so many ways your Gucci your Prada your name brand things… I stand naked with no fancy designs just so the world can see I have nothing to hide… for I am not flawless in any sense at all my face is unperfected and I have huge scars and all… but most of all I have a man of many flaws who loves me all in all…I am a fool for him but you are a fool for life.. and with that you have been disbarred.

So you call me fake

So fake is an opinion based upon those who know nothing of who I am... fake is a word used only as a reflection of their own selves... lonely self-indulgent individuals who truly envy what they do not have and posses.
The definition of fake:
· something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be
· forge: make a copy of with the intent to deceive; "he faked the signature"; "they counterfeited dollar bills"; "She forged a Green Card"
· impostor: a person who makes deceitful pretenses
· fudge: fake or falsify; "Fudge the figures"; "cook the books"; "falsify the data"
· bogus: fraudulent; having a misleading appearance
· juke: (football) a deceptive move made by a football player
· bullshit: talk through one’s hat; "The politician was not well prepared for the debate and faked it"
· not genuine or real; being an imitation of the genuine article; "it isn’t fake anything; it’s real synthetic fur"; "faux pearls"; "false teeth"; "decorated with imitation palm leaves"; "a purse of simulated alligator hide"
So fake you call me.. go on continue... I am my own individual who fakes not one aspect of who I truly am... I behold more than you can imagine but your shallow mind only allows you to see what you wish to see... fake I am because you wish me to be so.. Do not envy the fact that I have what you will never behold... fake is you in the morning fake is you at night fake is the face you see in the mirror fake is your life.
I am as eccentric as the sun setting at sunrise a flower blooming in the winter... leaves falling in the summer.. I am what you know nothing of.. And nothing you know of me.. Because I never let you close enough to see.. Fake is the image you portray.. I am honest in my ways you live a life of betrayal... fake is your realness... fake is what you surround your self with... fake is your true self!
I do not wish of your approval.. I do not yarn for your fondness.. I do not wish of you as friend because your fakeness I saw in the end.. You call me fake and that you define.. You think of me as fake because you do not know real.. Your money your ways are nothing but a lifeless dream you portray.
I wish not to shake your hand nor kiss your cheek... I wish not to enter your presence nor want what you seek.. I am beyond you and your superficial ways.. I am a dream truly unseen.. You will never understand me and my heart full of truth and love with no judgment which you do not see... live on you fake liver live on in your own world.. Dream of your materialist things... live on in your shallow empty ways.. Nothing you are to me.. You say I give only wanting in return.. I say I given only hoping god delivers me from the hell in which you will burn...

Its mine

Sometimes i wonder how can people be so sick.. how can individuals be so soulless.. how can others stand in each others faces and lie compulsively... Can we not go above this... Can man kind only continue to kill themselves one by one with no remorse just resentment... Must we feel jealous for things we don't have... I try day in and day out to humble myself to serve others as i would want to be served ... Truth is the more you give the more they take... Do you even need a hand to count those who would die for you... do you think a hundred lives would change your ways... Man will be man.. Woman will be woman... Humans will be humans.. But my soul is mine for the keeping... You can not touch it.. you can not shatter it nor darken it with your poison... Please hate me so i can love you and feel rewarded when i lay my head down.. call me lame call me plain call me stupid or crazy but always my soul will be the same..Free will remember.. what shall you chose.. to blame others or yourself.. surrender or lose..

Can I Please Be Closer

i went walking on the beach looking for something i wasn't sure of... twirling in the shallow ocean splashing the warm sea upon my skin... i sang a song of love attempting to summon the attention from my love above.. spectators admiring me with puzzlement in their eyes... they appear to wonder why i was so free... i cared not and keep singing to he...i sat on a sand dune and waited for him to give me a sign... i just needed to know he felt my heart was in need..i cried long and hard, with tears of power... I screamed... i let everything in me flow out.. then i felt a warm breeze, on my ear like a subtle whisper with a secret to unveil... i looked to my right in the skies beyond the sea and there i saw a rainbow with colors you would never believe! The sun was setting with its vivid tints of orange in the sky and the sea below it was deeply green , then darkness approached behind me like a cape which intended to cover my sight i turn and look with disbelief... gods work surrounding me... the thunder rolls behind me and black clouds come with speed; but before me i still had my rainbow which enthralled me.. I ask God if he was to busy to sit with me... i told him i didn't want anymore signs even with how amazing they could be... i know i know how selfish of me... i just wanted him.. him next to me.. him to be my friend and just sit with me..And even though i knew it was impossible physically still i asked could he really deny me.. oh how naive i could be... He is a busy man but i can not say he was was not listening... i can not say he was not there.. for i knew he was... But still i cried.. For him.. yearning to be closer .. for him to hold my hand.. for him to sit next to me and talk a while.. i cried for more... more of god around me..not more here but more there with him.. i just wanted his presence engulfing me... as i turned and observed the power and beauty around me.... i realized the whole time he was really with me... maybe not in the form we are intended to be... but in the form of his choosing he came to me.

In The Eyes of The Creator

In his eyes i am flawless for he created me to be as i am. Through his eyes i am a beautiful flower in constant bloom with seeds that will be sown. In his eyes i am that perfect snow flake with the soft flutter upon a child's cheek. Through his eyes i am perfectly imperfect. In the eyes of the creator my smile is like the sunrise, my tears the twinkle of the brightest star. When i am ugliest to the world, in my Creators eyes i am perfect. Flawed in so many ways to the average eye but in His eyes i am a rainbow in the rain. I am breathtaking in his image. How could one wish to be perfect to anyone else, if i am perfect for Him then that is all i need.